I have been thinking a lot about what to chat about at this
time following a very busy and successful anti-bullying week. There were so
many issues covered in the build up to and since, everything from on-line
bullying to the challenging messages contained in this year’s advert. We were
able to get our advert on STV for the very first time and we await the figures
for this. Anti-bullying week also seen the advert watched on YouTube 35,000
times in one week. The ‘click-through rate’ for this ad is apparently twice the
industry average. You can view it here http://bit.ly/19d3bGO
There is also supporting videos discussing the campaign and
on responding to bullying www.respectme.org.uk
I also had the pleasure of attending an International Anti-Bullying
Conference in Nashville in early November. I spoke to many colleagues at this
event and one issue that came up more than most was labelling. I had also had
some feedback and discussions with other people about respectme’s approach labelling
prior to this so I decided it was something to revisit and reflect on.
One of the first things I noticed at the conference was just
how anti-bullying is an industry in The States. The volume of books written on
the subject is staggering and having spoken to a few aspiring authors, it is a
crowded market that is not easy to crack. A glance at many of the books on show
– especially the ones aimed at younger children or the parents of younger
children were a little concerning. Titles such as: ‘How not to be a Bully’, ‘Llama Lama and the
Bully Goat’. ‘What to do if your child is a Bully’ and other similar titles.
This is not to single out or to critique any particular title just the very
consistent use of the word and the label.
The large number of books like this made it easy to engage
in conversations about labelling with many other delegates. Every speaker I
heard talked about ‘Bullies’, ‘Victims’, ‘Bully/Victims’ and ‘Pure Bullies’. A
part of my input covered the approach we have in Scotland to this explaining
how respectme does not label children and young people as ‘bullies’ or
‘victims’.
Our approach reflects the view that care needs to be taken because labelling is not without its
risks, labelling a child or young person on the basis of bullying behaviour can
result in a confirmed identity as a ‘bully’ or ‘victim’ resulting in ongoing
behaviour patterns based on this identity. respectme has developed approaches to working with bullying which
hopefully avoid the labelling dilemma. A core theme in training, policy
development and campaigning has been the exploration of the value judgements
that lie behind labels.
This is not to dilute behaviour but is to keep the focus of
the adult’s responses on the behaviour that is problematic, rather than the
assigning characteristics to those involved.
The point is that if you label children a certain way –
there is a significant risk that they effectively ‘live up’ to that label and
all of their subsequent behaviour is viewed through this prism– which is unfair
as no one is ever just the one thing. We hear of many situations where bullying
has been overlooked or ignored because either the school or the parents did not
think the person doing it was a ‘bully’, perhaps because they were clever or
popular and articulate – however, on many occasions their behaviour was
bullying. Our work tries to take away the
perception people may have about who is doing it and focus on what the person
actually did – bullying and what was the impact.
The response to this was warm and many delegates commented
on how this approach would actually help them yet acknowledged that it would be
a real struggle to get other people to move in the same direction.
‘Bully’ has become a word that commands attention; it elicits
an emotional response from adults, an understandable emotional response that
sees the children who do this dehumanised and caricatured from an early age,
this can also reinforce the notion that it’s always someone else’s child who
does this. This is not to suggest that the behaviour of some children towards
other children is not outrageous and damaging – it can be.
The word itself conjures up particular images for each of
us, ones that may represent our own experiences too. I do not seek to take that
away from anyone as that is a natural response – my role in this is to find solutions and try
to help how we respond to bullying. Because that is what matters surely? How we
respond to behaviour and help someone feel safe and feel like themselves again
is what makes a difference. How we help children to see how unacceptable their
behaviour is and what is required of them to share social spaces and classrooms
with their peers. That is what makes the biggest difference.
We have had over 30 years of work in anti-bullying and
somehow people persist in focussing on what a 'bully' is, the type of person who
bullies, or who follows, or who is easily bullied, rather than what people
actually did and the impact it had. Almost as if when we reach the point that
everyone can accept that a particular child is indeed a ‘bully’ that’s our job
done.
Children bully other children for a number of reasons, it’s
not always because deep down they are afraid and scared or lack self-esteem –
they might be but they can also be confident children with an abundance of
self-esteem – they will now exactly what the impact is, that might be why they
are doing it. The thing is no two incidents are ever identical – the dynamic is
always affected by who is involved.
Success in dealing with bullying is usually rooted in having
an approach like this:
What was the behaviour?
What impact did this
have?
And what do I need to
do about it?
This sees you deal with behaviour and impact – if the behaviour
is completely out of character then that might influence any subsequent consequences,
if it is the third incident this week, then that too will affect your response.
If a child coped well with the attempt to bully, then that night influence the
amount of support they need. This is the crux of the matter for me – there is
no ‘one-size-fits-all’ response. Success requires you to take the time to look
at each incident and find a way forward with the young people involved that
reflect their strengths, weaknesses and their wishes. What works for children
on Monday won’t always work for a different group on Tuesday.
Too many schools and too many parents have lost days (and
the interest of their children) arguing over whether the person who did this is
in fact a bully or not. Have I found it easier saying to parents who ask me if I’m
‘calling their child a bully or not?’ to answer, ‘no. I’m saying that what he
did was bullying’ then the answer is yes, I do think that is easier and
focusses attention in the right places.
This is a solution focussed approach that is designed to
help people change the way they behave, rather than attempt to change who they
are. We help people change by telling them the behaviour that is unacceptable,
being clear that what they are doing is bullying and that it needs to stop.
Consistency does not mean doing exactly the same way every
time – the consistency is where children and their families will know that
schools, other parents or youth clubs take bullying seriously, they will listen and have a
range of ways they can respond to bullying that reflect the broad and complex range
of relationships within our schools and social spaces - this includes their online social space.
It was pleasing to hear other people talk about ‘dropping
the labels’, well one other speaker to be fair and also that they found this to be radical
and innovative which of course, it is. What was pleasing is that it has been
fundamental to our work and success for the last seven years in Scotland. Perhaps
we can be more radical and innovative than we think sometimes.
Brian
