‘Before you give advice about bullying, get some’,
was the title of last November’s Anti-Bullying Week campaign. I wanted to take
a few moments to reflect on the success of the campaign and re-visit the key
messages that underpin it.
For us, this was one of our more controversial
messages – the scenario we chose was deliberately challenging. A father telling
his son the only way to deal with bullying was to hit the person doing it, hit
them hard enough that they cannot hit back. Here it is - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hE6Cn8yqxI
We were not
trying to make the Dad the villain of the piece. Hearing that your child is
being bullied brings out an understandably emotional response. It’s difficult
for parents and carers to hear. It’s
difficult to hear and you therefore not always at your best when you respond.
Sometimes the
advice we give children and young people at this time isn’t necessarily the
best advice. Being told to hit someone back if you are being bullied is
actually a common response; children and young people have told us this is
something they do hear. They have also told us it is one of the least helpful
things that they are told to do.
We know it
exists as an option to use but we know, by and large, it’s not necessarily the
best or safest option to take. It doesn’t take into account people that can’t
or won’t hit back; people who do not have the capacity to hit, people who are,
say, in a wheelchair or who are too scared, or people who don’t like the
thought of violence. So there always has
to be an alternative.
Most people
don’t go through life answering challenges and relationship difficulties by
resorting to violence, yet we tend to tell children if they are being bullied
they can resolve this by using violence - whether they are being
physically bullied or bullied online. We would not necessarily give this advice
to a friend who felt they were being bullied at work.
I believe this
is something of an adult fantasy - that our child will be able to assert
themselves and no-one will bother them as a result. We do as a collective like
the idea of retribution; we love films and books about it. It may appear like
natural justice that someone who is bullying another gets their comeuppance,
but the reality is that a violent response usually leads to more violence -
children and young people do not always share this wish, they want bullying to
stop with the minimum of fuss.
When I get
asked, and I do get asked, if I think boxing or martial arts will help
someone’s child (usually a boy) if they are being bullied I always ask the same
question, ‘what are you hoping this does for your child?’ If it is to build
their confidence, meet other people, stay active and enjoy a sport and they
want to do it – then fine, who could object to that? If however it is so that they
feel their child is capable of ‘sorting out’ anyone who tries to mess with
them, then I suggest they reconsider their reasons. Not every child who is
being bullied wants to learn Karate to feel safer – most of us go through life
without needing this.
We discussed
with people before making this video the notion of showing the ’right way’ and
the ‘wrong way’. The thing is there is never one, single, answer when it comes
to bullying, it’s about knowing how to think about it and how to approach it.
‘So what should
I do?’ was the question we were asked.
Sometimes you have to ask your child, ‘what do you want to happen?’ ‘Tell
me what you have done so far?’ ‘What would you like me to do?’ ‘What do you
think would happen if, say, I was to go up to the school and talk to them about
it?’.
If they are
worried that you would make it worse, you might have to try something else
because most children want bullying to stop with the minimum of fuss. ‘What do
you think would happen if I spoke to someone’s mum?’ or ‘Is there someone else
you can talk to?’
It’s about exploring options; thinking about what you can do and
sometimes having to say, as a parent, ‘look if I’m worried and I don’t think
you’re safe, I’m going to step in’, and explain why you are doing it.
The temptation
to run off and solve it is an understandable one, but we should always take a
moment, pause and think, ‘how do I give my child back a sense of being in
control?’, because it’s that sense of being in control that has been taken from
them, and that has to focus your response.
We know that
bullying takes something away from people; that is one of the things that makes
it different from other behaviours. It takes away people’s ability to feel in
control of themselves and to take effective action. We call
this our agency.
It’s important
to remember this when we respond to bullying behaviour. If we can accept that it takes something away
from someone, our focus has to be on helping them to get it back; helping them
get back that feeling of being in control and being themselves again. That’s
why we have to involve young people in what they want to happen, what they
would like to happen, and what they are worried about happening. And sometimes we need to take a lead from
them as to what pace we go at. If we can do that, we can help restore that
feeling of being in control.
One of the most
common responses we have had to the video is that ‘It really makes you
think’ - some colleagues told me that
they went home and had a very difficult conversation with their partner about
what advice they would give their son or daughter and would it be any
different.
We were lucky
enough to work with great partners and great actors to make this video and to
get it on the television 6 times over the week – as a result we now know the
advert was seen by just over 1.4 million people during anti-bullying week – it
was viewed in full on You Tube, over 35,000 times in one week and that around
70% of the people who viewed it were male.
Our website
activity increased by around 70% during anti-bullying week so we can reflect on
a very positive campaign and along with our national conference attracting over
230 people and our first ever national awards, we have raised the bar somewhat
for 2014’s anti-bullying week – which for those who like to plan in advance is
November 17 – 21 2014.
Brian
